We Don't Say Goodbye

 

June 6, 1997

 

     Judith leaned back against the headrest and watched the driver of the car as he carefully negotiated the sharp turns.  She admired the fine line of his chin and the shape of his nose.  Her eyes skimmed the length of his body, which she knew was in excellent physical condition, and for just a second her heart quickened at the thought of how that body felt pressed against hers.  He turned to look at her briefly, and winked as he flashed a boyish smile that denied his fifty-five years, before turning his full attention back to the job at hand.

Time had been kind to Judith, as well.  She was still trim and attractive, her silvery blonde hair worn long and loose, but pushed back from her face at the moment by the sunglasses perched atop her head. Her brilliant blue eyes squinted against the bright sunlight in an azure sky.  She knew she should be happy today, and it was really hard not to be, but, all of her thoughts kept turning into questions.  She wondered if people would understand her reasons for leaving John.  She wondered if her children would mistakenly blame Riley for wrecking her marriage.  They didn’t know the truth and could never understand what loyalty cemented the bond she had shared with Riley and Kate.

“Oh, Riley! How I do love you,” she thought, as she bit back the words, not wanting to create any further diversion. Her silent thoughts continued.  “My God - - all that we’ve missed, -- all that might have been!  Am I doing the right thing now, ending a loveless marriage?  Will my kids think I’m a silly old fool to reach out for happiness this late in life?”

As if reading her mind, he reached across the console with his right hand and grasped her small hand in his.  She lifted his fingertips to her lips and kissed them tenderly.  For a moment, he took his eyes off the highway to search her face for even a tiny hint of regret.  Not finding any there, he pursed his lips and blew her a phantom kiss before snatching his hand away to reclaim a firm grasp on the steering wheel as the sound of loose gravel from the roadside crunched menacingly beneath the tires.

The sleek gray Jaguar hugged the highway, narrow and crooked as it was.  There was no room for error when driving through these mountains.  Luckily, on this Tuesday morning in June, there was little traffic on the road, and he could cross the centerline to straighten out some of the sharpest curves.

     The morning sun glistened on the ice crystals in the patchy snow alongside the steep and crooked highway as the two travelers embarked on a journey that would mark a new beginning for them after an immature mistake in judgment had kept them apart for more than thirty years.  The sound of music from the radio drifted faintly through the crisp morning air as the automobile sped along the highway.

     Where the Sierra Nevada range sprawls along the border between California and Nevada is some of the most rugged terrain in America, but is also home to some of the most breathtaking vistas the eye can behold.  To the east is southern Nevada and Death Valley and to the west lays southern California and the Pacific Coast.

     Driving north along U.S. 395 in southern California is an adventure as the landscape changes from the wide expanse of the valley, where the road crosses miles and miles of flat, sometimes arid land before beginning it’s climb into the magnificent mountains.  Leaving Los Angeles behind, the winding pavement passes through hills lined with windmill farms, where the winds blowing in from the coast lift the long arms of hundreds of giant windmills to swipe gently at the sky as they generate electricity.

     The highway crosses through a vast desert flatland, near the Edwards Air Force Base, where the space shuttle often lands after a venture into outer space, and then begins to lift skyward into the majestic mountains. It ascends the mountains in repeated switchbacks which climb ever higher and higher, then crosses narrow ridges to begin the ascent to the next mountain as each in progression seem to be higher than the last.  Peaks to the west are over fourteen thousand feet, but the main highway follows a route that tops out around the eight thousand foot elevation.  In June of 1997, as Judith and Riley made their journey from southern California toward Reno, Nevada, all of nature’s elements seemed to be in their favor.  The sun was shining, the weather was mild, and the scenery was breathtakingly beautiful.

     “What a perfect day!  I think it’s an omen.  The rest of our lives will be exactly like today”.  Riley sighed as he stifled a yawn.

     “Omen! Shmomen!  I can’t help but wonder if I’ve traded my children for a few years of happiness.”  The passenger shot back.  Judith Phillips looked annoyed as she adjusted her sunglasses on top of her head and turned her face toward the side window as the car sped past a road-sign that read Reno, Nev. 120 miles.

“Nonsense!  They’re not stupid, and they’re not blind.  Do you honestly believe they’re not aware that we’ve wanted each other all our goddamned lives?”  He slapped the steering wheel in obvious frustration, then appeared to soften.  “I know it’s hard to believe, but they’re adults, not kids, and they want you to be happy, Judy.  Above all else, they just want you to be happy.” He was thinking that only a moment ago she appeared to have no regrets, and now, suddenly his heart was wrenched by her self-deprecating words.

A lone tear emerged from her right eye and slowly trickled down alongside her nose.  She quickly wiped it away, gaining control. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.  I’ve seen the pain in their eyes. They knew a long time ago that I was unhappy with their father.  He belonged to his work.  After the first few years it seemed to be his whole life.  He was never there for us.  Not for me.  Not for them.  No one can argue that.” She shifted in the seat, and leaned her head back against the glass as she looked at Riley.

“And I suppose they’ve known for a long time that I have special feelings for you.  They probably even suspected that we were having an affair.  I’ve been afraid to speculate on that.  Oh, I think they’ve been willing for me to have you for occasional comfort, - - but not for always and ever.” She flashed a mock smile.

He reached across the console to pat her hand again.  “We’ve never really had an affair, Judy.  What we share comes from an unconscious decision to take up where we left off.  You were faithful to John as long as you had any semblance of a marriage and I was more than faithful to Kate.”  He paused for only a second.  “Well, all but that one time, and perhaps a few other mental lapses. We did the right thing for all concerned.  We’ve all paid for my mistake.”  His eyes watched her face, and he smiled a crooked smile, then suddenly jerked his hand free and grabbed the steering wheel as the right tires of the car dropped off the pavement into gravel once more, causing him to make a rapid correction that required the strength of both his muscular hands. “Oh, - - whoa! Better keep my eyes on the road!”

She turned her gaze back to the window.  Outside the car was a panoramic view in shades of purple and gray.  Inside, the middle-aged twosome rode in silence as the radio played “Ain’t Nothing Like The Real Thing” by Vince Gill and Gladys Knight.  Her daughter had just gotten married on the previous Saturday, in a beautiful ceremony that marked the beginning of what promised to be a wonderful future of love and happiness. And, in contrast, here she was on her way to Reno to file for divorce from the man she had married over thirty years ago.

It had been a strange marriage in some ways.  They both had worked hard to build it, at first, and tried to find love for each other.  But mostly, it was unfulfilling.  The best part of it had been the two children she had raised with John.  There were brief periods of time when he tried to at least act like a loving husband and father, but they became less frequent as time went by.  He had often treated her more like a trophy than a wife.  She truly tried to be the wife he needed her to be, and even loved him to some degree. But she had loved Riley first.

Riley McKnight, wearing khaki pants, a golf shirt and sunglasses, seemed to concentrate on the pavement ahead.  He was attractive, with thinning dark brown hair and matching eyes. He was very masculine, but also sensitive. Some people say that you only have one true love in your lifetime, but he could attest to that being a myth.  He had truly loved two women in his lifetime, albeit in different ways.  The woman who sat beside him now had stolen his heart when he was but a boy. He had loved her with all his being, even after he was forced to give her up.  He felt that it was totally his fault that their lives had taken a bad turn in the road so many years ago, but now they were back on the right track.  His wife, Kate, had passed away five years earlier, and now he was eager to get on with life with Judith.

“Oh, look!” Judith exclaimed, pointing out the window to an area off to the left of the highway.  “There’s a chimney sticking up out of the snow. Stop, so I can take a picture. Can you believe that the snow is still this deep in June?”  Actually, most of the snow was gone for the season, but some shaded areas remained covered, and there were huge piles where the snowplows had blown it from the highway. Even this late in the year some snow banks remained twenty feet high along the roadside. There were warning signs for vehicles not to stop between the snow banks due to avalanche danger. And just a few miles back they had passed the road to Yosemite where a sign stated that the pass across the mountains was still closed due to recent snowfall and access to Yosemite was only available through the western entrance.

He slowed the car and began to ease it over to the edge of the highway.  “I don’t want to stop out on the road, and I’m afraid we might get stuck if I pull over too far.”  The warm temperatures of early June had created slush along the edges of the pavement where some snow remained.  At this elevation the nightly temperature stayed near freezing until June, but the radiant heat from the daily sun did its work.

“Wait. I see a turn off just ahead. I think it might be the road to the cabin.  It looks like a good place to stop.” She leaned forward in her seat, and her face became animated with interest.  She had been a photographer most of her life.  Her father had given her a small Kodak camera when she was six years old, and it had been the start of a fascination that blossomed and grew and was still holding strong.

Riley turned the car onto a gravel road that followed a narrow ridge along a deep chasm and over to a level parking place by the buried cabin.  At that elevation there was patchy snow, with areas of deep snow in shaded areas among the crevasses on the mountainside, but lower elevations appeared to be snow-free with craggy rocks and scattered brush.  He drove forward until the road became completely covered in snow before stopping the car.

“Let’s see what kind of picture you can get from here. I don’t want to risk getting the car stuck.“

Judith twisted around in the seat and reached into the backseat and picked up a light jacket and quickly pulled it on, then lifted a black nylon bag out. She took her camera from the bag and checked it for film. After attaching a telephoto lens, she got out of the car and began walking toward the buried cabin.

She approached the site, where only a small portion of a gable and a chimney protruded up through the snow. The cabin was built in a V-shaped chasm on the northeastern side of the ridge, somewhat lower than the level of the roadway, so she was standing at rooftop level. On the opposite side of the roadway there was a sudden and seemingly bottomless drop-off.

She began snapping pictures, continuing to walk forward, pausing to lean and squat, searching for a perfect angle with just the right nuances of sunlight and shadow. Riley walked past her and began picking up small clumps of snow and throwing them in her direction. She gave him a wicked look, shook a fist in his direction, and then resumed her photography.

He picked up a small handful of snow and crept up behind Judith, and attempted to put it down her collar. She squealed and began to run, with him chasing, and laughing. They got almost to the chimney before she lost her footing in the slippery snow and fell.  He reached out to try to catch her and lost his balance, as well, then crawled over to where she lay, laughing.

Their eyes locked, and the magic between them was like a magnet that pulled them together.  He wrapped his arms around her in a long embrace, feeling the shape of her body beneath his. Then he cupped her face in his hands and gently nibbled at her lower lip, then the tip of her nose, before hugging her again. Her scent was familiar and he found it intoxicating as he sucked in a deep breath.

She reached up and caressed his shoulders as he held her tightly.  She took his earlobe between her teeth and nipped it playfully.  When he turned his ear out of harms way she placed soft kisses along his chin, down his throat to his collar and back up to his waiting mouth. When his tongue crept slowly in to challenge her own she felt flames of passion licking at the coldness of the snow against her back. She arched her back to press into him.  He moaned softly and his right hand began searching for a way to get inside her clothing.

Finally she pushed him away. “Get off me, you fool!” she exclaimed, laughing. “If we don’t get up out of this snow we’ll catch our death!”

He rolled onto his back, looking skyward.  “If I die right now, I’ll die the happiest man in the world.”

“If you die right now the undertaker will have to chisel that stupid look off your frozen face.” She laughed as she got up and offered him her hand.  He reached up and took it, allowing her to help him rise to his feet, then, he grabbed her and ran his icy fingers up under her blouse, seeking the heat of her flesh to warm him.  For only a moment she indulged his advances, but when he tried to insert his fingertips beneath her bra she squealed again and ran toward the car, laughing. “You wicked, wicked man! Bbrrr, I’m freezing! Let’s go.”

She set her camera on top of the car and began brushing the snow off her clothes. He came to her and tried to help, laughing, and she kept pushing him away, knowing that clearing snow off her clothes was not why he was touching her.

She opened the car and lifted a small duffel bag out of the rear seat, and unzipped it to get a towel. They both got into the car and she fluffed her hair with the towel, then dried her face and neck, before she turned to Riley and ruffled his hair with it. She pulled the towel around his neck, forcing him to lean across the console toward her, and she kissed the end of his nose.

“Did I ever tell you that I love you?” she crooned, as her lips teased his.

“No, I don’t think so,” he lied, grinning. “Do you?”

“Do I what?”

“Do you love me?” he murmured against her mouth.

She pulled back and pretended to be amused but confused for a moment. “That’s a shocking question, sir,” she replied, indignantly.  “I’m a married woman.”

Riley turned the key and started the car. “Well, by god, in about six weeks, give or take a few hours, we’ll change that!  It’s already been too long.  It’s high time you made an honest man outta me!”  They both laughed out loud.  “I’m an impatient man, and time’s a-wasting!”

He began to back the car slowly in the direction of the highway. Suddenly there was a thumping noise, and the camera toppled down the windshield, rolled across the hood and bounced onto the road.

He slammed on the brake, “What the hell - -?”

“My camera! Oh, no, I left it on the roof!” she exclaimed as she opened the car door.  “I hope it isn’t broken.”  She started to swing her feet out of the car.

He had already opened his window, and leaned out to look. “It’s okay, I see it. Keep your seat. I can get it.” She pulled her feet back in, closed the door and buckled her seatbelt as Riley opened his car door and drove the car slowly forward, looking down at the road.  “Ah, there it is.”  He unhooked his seatbelt and leaned out to retrieve it.

He suddenly lost his balance and his grip on the steering wheel at the same time, and began falling. His wet shoe slipped off the brake and slammed on the accelerator pedal.  The car shot forward, spilling him out onto the icy gravel road.

Judith looked forward, then turned back to lock eyes with him. His eyes appeared comically angry until he noted that hers were filled with terror. Instantly, he realized that the car was heading for the drop off.

She grabbed the steering wheel and turned it, but it was already too late.  The front wheels had dropped over the edge and would not turn.  She tried to unfasten her seatbelt as the car tipped over the edge, much like a fork falling off a table. Then, her stomach did a flip-flop as her eyes beheld the nothingness ahead of her. She secured the seatbelt tighter, and leaned back into the seat, and covered her face with her hands.

The car dropped nose first onto a ledge about thirty feet below the road, then toppled onto it’s left side. The smell of fresh turned earth and crushed sagebrush wafted in the open window before a soft scraping sound began as the car slid slowly down the gentle slope of the ledge. Then Judith felt a sense of being on a roller coaster as the car became airborne again, in another long drop.  It rolled over several times, sometimes striking against the mountainside in loud crashes, thumping, bouncing, careening, then falling silent in its journey again, before finally coming to rest.

Riley sprang to his feet and ran after the car. His fingertips just grasped the rear bumper as it dropped over the ridge, and he desperately hung on, dragged behind it, spattered with mud, snow and gravel. The rear tires spun faster as the weight of the car lifted from them, leaving them whirring loudly in the air.  He lost his grip as it fell into the chasm.

He lay on his stomach where he had fallen at the crest of the drop off, watching helplessly until the tumbling car finally stopped far below. He covered his face with his hands, and a terrible scream was wrenched from deep within. “Juuuddddyyyy!”

 

 

 ( background music: "Immortality" by Celine Dion )